AJ's Iyagi Pages

i’m going to be honest with you. like, really honest. because if this blog is going to mean anything, it has to start with the truth, and the truth is that I am scared.

not the cute, butterflies in your stomach kind of scared. i mean the deep down, quiet kind that shows up at 2am when everything is still and your brain won’t stop asking what if you just… stayed?

and sometimes? i think about it. i think about how much easier it would’ve been to choose the comfortable thing. to stay close to home, to stay near the people i love, to not have a literally ocean between me and everyone who knows me best. there was a version of this life that was simpler. safer. and i chose not to take it.

i felt like i couldn’t do that to myself. like there was something in me that already knew, even before I did, that I just had to go.

but here’s the part that actually gets me: the guilt. because choosing this for myself means leaving people behind, even if just for a season. i think about my little brother. who’s going to look out for him, how is he going to, well, survive? i think about my mom, her only daughter, an ocean away.

it hurts to love people and still choose to leave. i don’t think people talk about that enough.

and then my mom will say something to me, just a few words, just “i’m so proud of you”, and suddenly all that guilt shifts into something else. something lighter. like maybe the scariest thing i’ve ever done is also the right thing. like maybe the people who love you most are the ones rooting hardest for you to go.

so here’s what i’ve figured out, at least for now: being scared doesn’t mean you’re making the wrong choice. sometimes it means you’re about to make the biggest one of your life. the fear is just proof that it matters.

so, it’s okay to feel scared.